Below is an excerpt from my journal, March 5, 2015, 9:14PM.

“Sitting outside of our room. The Thai owner, who we call Mr. Miyagi, is slowly walking around his land. Hands behind his back, long, silver streaked hair. “Forget self” floats to the surface of my tears but the salt dissolves away the wisdom and I remain stuck in not knowing. Stuck in the sharp edge of comparison. It’s a different taste of blood than before. Different, like all of it.

Full moon shining and I barely have the will to find pen to the page. No swaying of my body or smiling or fullness. No answers. Sit up straight, flat back, flat back, wishing I was more happy, as strong as they in their choices & revelations & realizations & home bases & I sit here feeling like I have nothing & I sit here with no answers, no answers, no answers, barely able to hold questions, barely able to find any expression, barely able to be here. But there’s no other choice. So I sit & I move & I cross & uncross & recross my legs and my arms and my hands using the position of my body to try and unlock the doors I cannot see & it stings my God my Buddha it stings.”

Things have been rough. Coming north has shifted everything, once again. I got bed bugs (40+ itchy bites), Jackie got a stomach virus that lasted over a week, Amanda got ill and threw up over 12 times in one night. Jack also got stung by a wasp, developed a skin rash and has exhausted herself fighting motion sickness from all the transportation we’ve been on. Amanda also has had intense migraine headaches from coffee withdrawal and a fluctuating stomach ache. I’ve also been dealing with a slightly infected new nose piercing and blurry vision that hasn’t entirely healed from the PRK corrective eye surgery I got last December. Beyond the physical chaos has been emotional and mental unraveling. Obstacles on all fronts. Good thing we’re fucking warriors.

A new wave of complete self-inquiry has arose, rippling out beyond “What am I doing?” with this journey, to “What am I doing?” with my life as a whole. What makes me happy? What do I want? Why am I like this? You know, the little things.

I know these questions aren’t exclusive to the road. I know they’re part of all paths.

I was drawn so far out with the whirling of my mind that I became unable to re-presence myself into the Now. Unable to pull myself out of the hole. Unable to even open my mouth for a day and a half- an emotional coping mechanism I haven’t resorted to in years. Saying nothing because it all was too much. Saying nothing because I didn’t know where to even begin.

Well, thank God for friends. Thank God for these girls. For their patience and unconditional love. Thank God for my mother. For the technology that allows me to text her. Thank God for the temporary nature of all things. The passing of tides. The forward motion of time that guarantees change and shaking and shedding of old skin. It all passes, eventually. Thank Buddha, Thank God, Allah, Universe, whoever, whatever You are – I am grateful.

We’ve re-routed ourselves and head to Indonesia next week. A villa in the south of Bali for 16 days. Fuck yes. Hell yeah. Bring on the grounding. Bring on the yoga and outdoor living room and space to settle and sit and bask in for awhile. After the 16 days we’ll continue exploring, perhaps at a slower pace, but it doesn’t matter. Here and Now, Here and Now, Here and Now, and that means focusing on wrapping up our journey in Thailand and enjoying the last of our time here. I’m grateful for returning to being present. When my mind goes too big I’ve been able to refocus on the next small step. What am I going to eat? Today. What am I going to do? Today. Not tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. Right Here, Right Now. This moment.

We went to a beautiful coffee shop last night for some live music. The last song they sounded out was perfect: “When there are no answers, listen to the questions, listen to the questions, listen to the questions.”

Let us listen. Let us pray and trust and listen. To the questions, to the answers, to whatever is coming up in our moment. Let us also laugh. My goodness let us laugh! Jackie and Amanda are the best gigglers I know. I stinkin’ love it. It inspires me every day to expand further into joy, lightness and love.

“…I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903
in Letters to a Young Poet

Cheers to the questions y’all. May we listen to them as if they were the answers. Perhaps they are.

Hugs, hugs, hugs. Always <3