Vipassana: The Journey

The first person I saw after was my father. He asked me, “If you could describe it in one word what would it be?”

“Very. Hard.”, I replied.

He laughed and said, “That’s two words!”

I responded, “And if you’d given me three, I would have said Very. Very. Hard.”

It was rough, y’all. It was beautiful, too.

So hard.

So beautiful.

A diamond through the fire.

So ablaze —

Purifying.

Circling.

Cycling.

Rinsing.

Drying.

Uprooting.

Planting.

Uprooting.

Planting.

Uprooting,

Planting.

There were 90 of us. We spent the first three and a half days focusing on the triangular area of the nose. Watching our unaltered breath. Hours, and hours, and hours, of striving to focus solely on the triangular area around the nose. Patiently. Persistently. Patiently. Persistently.

Ardently.

Diligently.

Ardently.

Diligently.

Patiently. Patiently. Patiently.

Persistently.

We were to remain equanimous. Perfectly equanimous.

Perfect Equanimity. Equanimity. Equanimity.

(The wings of Equanimity and Awareness. Can’t fly without both.)

We were sharpening the mind.

Fine tuning the tool, the instrument, the machine.

Day 2, 3 and 7 were the hardest for me. Though I vowed at the beginning of the course to adhere to their rules of no mantras, no prayers, no visualization, no energy work, no outside aid, etc., on the evening of Day 3 I was struggling so hard that I had to take myself for a walk and have a pep talk. Straight up. I had to! I was spinning out of control. This was beyond mantras or prayer, this was a conversation with myself. Me showing up for Me. I needed to get it together and there was simply nobody who was going to do it for me.

It was on me. It is on me.

I zipped up my coat, wrapped up in my scarf, and headed for the walking course in the back of the reservation. Most days I walked the trail slowly. I couldn’t tell you how many loops I did that night.

“I can do this. I choose to do this. I chose to do this. I am willing. I am willing. I am willing.”

On repeat.

“I can do this. I choose to do this. I chose to do this. I am willing.”

We were surrounded by desert land and mountain views. Open, piercing sky. Jagged rocks and cactus earth. I saw two shooting stars while out there. Such gorgeous terrain. I loved the sound of the gravel beneath my shoes. I dug into it as I made my loops.

“I allow this. I accept this. I embrace all colors of the rainbow.”

So much anger. So much agitation.

“I embrace all colors of the rainbow.” – Red. Red. Red.

Sadness was potent. Resistance was strong. Self-created suffering spilling over.

Self-created suffering.

Honestly, I didn’t feel good until Day 8, though on Day 4 when we were finally able to switch from the Anapanna technique, where I had been observing the sensations of solely my breath, to the actual Vipassana technique, where I began observing the sensations of my entire body, I was so relieved to finally be able to expand my awareness to a larger surface area that I literally cried. We began inch by inch. Piece by piece. The entire body. I was truly elated to be able to leave the perimeters of my nose. The tears were more than just relief though, there was a depth I sunk into during that transitional hour – I had never sat so still, had never maintained such sharp, clear focus, scanning my entire body, inch by inch, piece by piece. Being able to slow down with such presence to such a deeply unhurried pace was beautiful and satiating and so fulfilling in a way I had never felt before. Stillness. Beloved Stillness. Beloved Stillness, oh how I’ve longed for you.

We meditated 10+ hours a day. Rose at 4. Rested by 10. Day 1 hit hard with, “I cannot believe I have 9 more days of this.” Day 5 I couldn’t believe I was only half way through what felt like a mental marathon. Mile 13 out of 26? Fuuuck. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

(It’s worth noting that not everyone had this experience. On the 10th day when we were allowed to break the Noble Silence a few women shared with me they didn’t start struggling until the latter half of the journey. Everyone sat in their self-created suffering at some point, the time line and intensity of it just unfolded differently for each of us.)

Goenka described it on Day 2 as psychological surgery. The term couldn’t have felt more suiting. I was opening myself up, making an incision and piercing straight into the deepest part of my mind. Suffering and misery were real (an illusion). Misery and suffering were an illusion (so real). Self-created. Self-created. Self-created. It was beautiful to step back in line with Being the Master of My Moments. To Remember (again and again) that I am the only one responsible for my life. My actions and reactions. My cravings and aversions. My happiness and suffering. All of that responsibility resides within ME. It became outstandingly clear how I had been reaching outward in so many ways for fulfillment; attached, craving, craving, craving. I was grateful for the time and space to sit and let the candle burn Up/Out. Law of nature. The flame of the candle is not one flame – it is a series of flame after flame after flame, burning the wick down, offering the fire up. By no longer reacting with craving or aversion I began to let the knots untie, let the twisting rope unwind, let the candle burn down, flickering, flickering, flickering. Eventually it will burn out. It may take lifetimes. But eventually. Law of nature.

I can’t tell you how many times I thought about this blog post. Wrote it in my head. Over and over and over again drawing a conclusion from something not even yet fully experienced; over and over and over again coming to the same canvas’s, the same drawing boards, the same dreams and desires and fantasies. Completely fabricated conversations would fill my mind: past ones, future ones, real ones, entirely imagined ones. Sometimes I’d surrender to the distraction and just let myself go in. Give my complete attention over, let it play out, immerse myself entirely. A part of me hoped that if I let myself fulfill these daydreams they would go away (silly me). They didn’t. Their persistence actually amazed me. “Wow. Really? Again? We’re going to go over that, again? Plan that, reenact that, make all that up, again?” Interesting… Interesting… It became increasingly clear that the mind is simply a machine that spits out what we put in, duplicates what we feed it, doesn’t decipher whether something’s worthy or not, simply replicates, strengthens, regurgitates. Oh the things we could do if we harness it’s potential <3

Craving and Aversion work the same way. We learned about this there — the multiplication of misery. If you feed something, it will grow. Law of nature. You can’t expect a fire to go out by giving it more wood. You have to stop feeding it. Same with sensation. Physical, mental, emotional – Don’t react. Don’t reach. Just Sit. Observe. Look at reality As It Is. Without Craving for more of the pleasant sensations. Without Aversion towards the unpleasant sensations. Be still. Remain equanimous. Equanimous. Perfect Equanimity.

So powerful.

So transformative.

The Seat of Equanimity.

Life-changing.

It’s a practice that will take lifetimes, my loves, lifetimes. But oh how I am so grateful for this lifetime. These lessons and experiences. These hardships and joys. I can’t pray for a neem tree to bring me lemons. Law of nature. I must be careful to plant the seeds of a lemon tree if I want lemons. Mango seeds, if I want mangos. Love and compassion, love and compassion, love and compassion, if I want love and compassion. Seeds of truth, for more truth. Seeds of surrender, for more surrender. Seeds of letting go, letting go, letting go, for liberation.

True Liberation.

Real Happiness.

Real Peace.

Real Harmony.

Oh what a life, what a life, what a life.

What a beautiful, blossoming life.

May I be Patient.

May I be Persistent.

May I Trust & Know & Act Accordingly.

May All Beings Be Happy — — —

May All Beings Know True Liberation.

Blessings —