I woke up in the deepest wave of anger last night. I fell asleep for another couple of hours after and had the strangest dreams. I woke up feeling like I’d been hit by a truck (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbYScltf1c  — watch all of it.) and I laid in bed for longer than usual just watching myself. At one point last night during my storm there was a quiet stance that whispered, “You know there’s so much beyond all this, right?”

i.e. Remember. Remember. Remember. Remember. Recenter.

I said to Jack, “There’s something really, really deeply painful that’s looking to be healed.” I am so grateful for her. Grateful to let myself speak more, share, be heard; to be received by her support and grounding nature. Grateful to break the dam of self-judgment and continue to Open Vulnerability, Hard Truths, let even my lowest surface level spiraling be seen. Not proud of it, no. But proud to finally be Allowing, to let more pieces of myself become Illuminated through Exposure.

(the quote last week with the flower – – – “my darling you feel so heavy because you are too full of truth” – – – yes, yes, yes.)

that moment you realize (again) you’re demanding a lot

that moment (again) you realize you’ve left no breathing room, no space between, no room for growth or air

 

lacking patience with the process and Knowing Better.

lacking patience with the price; learning about consequences, regression

 

Tried to think of S.N. Goenka.

The two wings of Awareness and Equanimity.

Awareness and Equanimity.

Equanimity.

Can’t Fly very well if one side’s stronger than the other,

Can’t Fly very well if you’re missing one wing

Awareness and level-headedness.

Awareness and keeping cool.

No matter what

No matter what

Keeping cool no matter what.

 

Failed at that last night in my ocean. Failed at that hard last night in my sea. Went out onto my deck throwing helpless, fiery fists, my body get rocked by the anger of the water inside me, tossing me side to side, reeling. Said to Jack, “ There’s something really, really deeply painful that’s looking to be healed here”, cried hard after I re-read it myself, cried hard and said, “I love you” – “I love you” – “I love you” to myself.

Trying.

Hard.

 

RAIN meditation with Tara Brach

Recognize

Allow

Investigate

Nourish

Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nourish.

Nourish with self-compassion.

Show up with Sincerity.

 

go back to doing less with more focus darling

go back to doing less with more focus

 

When I think of Wyoming and Montana I wonder if

I’m running

Been thinking lately

of how I try to

wriggle out

of the hard times,

not wanting to be in it,

resisting the work,

distracting myself,

procrastinating,

barely dipping in my toes —

can you imagine what kind of splash I could create if I hyper focused my vision?

the kind of splash we could create if we maximized our time?

 

The awareness is growing and so then with it the pain.

and so then with it the rain.

the work.

the Freedom.