9:23am

Well, I just made three delicious breakfast egg tacos because Girl Woke Up Haaaaangry.

Sigh. Yeah, I didn’t post anything yesterday. It wasn’t for lack of trying — I wrote at least 2,000 words through out the day and spent hours mixing matching editing starting over etc etc etc… and then it was 1am and I was like Yeah, BYE. I just knew I wasn’t going to be satisfied either way. I was irritated by the fact alone that it was 1am and I was still up (I AM SUCH A GRANDMA / am learning more and more that early morning rises are actually really good for me.)

So, here we are, Day 6 (but actually Day 7… but really Day 6…?) and it’s hilarious to me how much we rationalize shit. It’s also hilarious / amazing to me how it’s reeeally all going to be okay. Really. (And yes, yes, I Know, it matters. But no, no, really, it doesn’t.)

I also thought it hilarious that the perfectionist in me was happy that at least my “break day” was perfectly between the first five days and the last five days! Ha. #symmetry #positivity #reallythoughhowperfect.

“This was meant to be a Tune Up anyways, not necessarily a Challenge”, I say (to myself).

And you see? So much mental space used just ping ponging back and forth with myself working through things like a turtle. Sigh.

In addition to waking up unusually hangry I woke up with a headache because guess who drank three drinks last night? This girl. (I know, I’m wild, Stop It.) And guess who also forgot the #1 Rule after drinking in general (i.e. DRINK WATER)? This girl. (Hello hangry headache non-posting grump.) I can’t remember exactly what my very first thoughts were upon waking up but I know they involved cursing which made me (silentley) laugh at how different that was from yesterday, where I woke up straight bathing myself in (silent) positive affirmations. Ha. Balance? Extremes like that keep me humbled and remind me how quickly things can change.

11:53am

I’m currently listening to a song called Setting Myself Free and the title reminds me of the other day when I was on the elliptical (same day as head banging day, woop woop) and I had my eyes closed and dropped into a vision of sky diving. I was on the edge of the plane, open door, thousands of feet in the air looking down, and I just jumped — flew — Fell In — literally just tipped off the front of my toes arms open and letting Open Space catch me, carve me, envelop me. And this time I didn’t try to hold on to what I knew wasn’t there, didn’t grasp for the emptiness around me, not even for a second did I waste time Reaching Away from The Very Thing I was Jumping Towards. No, I wanted it all this time. The whole thing.

Standing on the edge and Falling In.

Falling.

Completely.

In.

(to myself. to myself. to myself.)