It’s one of those days where you eat an entire box of cookies, after you’ve already had brownies, after you’ve already have ice cream, and it’s not even 3pm. By “one of those days”, I mean one of those weeks…perhaps even one of those months…or lifes…

I’m tired of telling myself I’ll be better and then not showing up for myself. I’ve never understood why it’s so much easier to Rise to the occasion for others, and then when it comes to myself I let things get slippery, gray, slide off. It’s illogical and doesn’t make sense. But I guess Love can be like that, too. Maybe this is just a really twisted way to Loving myself. When I do shit like this I try to tap into the part of me that’s not attached to my body. The part of me that can unconditionally love myself no matter how bloated my belly feels or how much regret my mind musters up. “I love you, I love you, I love you” – even when you don’t feel it. 

On my birthday this year I proclaimed to a few friends here that I would no longer eat the processed cookies and snacks in our pantry. I’d treat myself to Candice’s amazing home-made goods, but aside from that, I was Done. It lasted about a week. Luckily I’m surrounded by people who love me no matter what and don’t judge me on my slip-ups. Who remind me I’m amazing regardless of what I look like or what I’ve eaten. I’m tempted to make the same proclamation today – an anniversary date of the day I took a one-way ticket last year to SE Asia and landed in Bangkok, Thailand. It was a new chapter then, it can be a new chapter now. Except, it can ALWAYS be a new chapter. We just have to made the choice and put in the work. (See: Day 15) 

Candice’s recipe book has a quote on the front of it that says, “Every accomplishment starts with the decision to begin.” I wrote it on the Quote of the Day board today, before I even lived myself into how personally relevant it was. I have wrestled with “firsts” for so many years. To some, the start of new endeavors can be comforting, inspiring, exciting, but to me, with food at least, it feels depressing. I’m at Day 1 because I failed and need to start over. I’m tired of starting over. 

It doesn’t matter if I’m tired of it though. The need to Rise still persists. The only way out is through and I want Out, I want Through; Lord Knows I am through with this. I will meet Day 1 as many times as I need to get to the other side of this. I will never stop trying. I may fail again, but it won’t be without progress. 

Luckily starting over doesn’t feel so heavy right now. I’ve grown in letting go of constantly slamming myself against perfection, of not pinning myself up against benchmarks. I want this. I want this more than failing can ever sway me. I want to be someone who doesn’t binge eat on cookies, who doesn’t write blog posts on it, who doesn’t have to deal with this at all. Isn’t it crazy the issues we create for ourselves? This is entirely in my hands. I just have to show up. Make the choice. Put in the work. Re-structure my habits and coping mechanisms. It’s all in the baby steps. The practice. The starting over. 

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to begin. 

I decide. I choose. 

Let’s begin. 

  
(Delicious) Brownie Remnants