Putting on my layers and strapping up my boots for the snow – Oh Wonder plays on my speaker and the song All We Do is on repeat. “I’ve been, upside down, I don’t wanna be the right way round, I’ll find paradise on the ground”. The words reverberate my soul and all I can think and feel and be is Yes. 

Gliding down the mountain scattered with head butting the snow, getting socked in the stomach by face planting the ground and turning my ankles in ways they aren’t meant to be in. Getting up and trying again. Accidentally starting the day on an advanced run and doing falling leaf, laughing, the whole way down. It’s funny how relative everything is. It’s amazing how progress can be seen every single day. Little by little. Little by little. 

Banana cake and coffee for lunch. Hair wraps and writing for hours about darkness I have yet to publicly post on this page. Wondering of when, if, why. Noticing the voices of worry and judgment and fear. “I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared” comes up a lot when I start picking up speed on the mountain. I notice how my body will sometimes listen to it by slowing down. I notice how I’ll sometimes forget it entirely as I become engulfed in the motion of Doing rather than thinking about doing. I was working out the other day and found myself saying out loud, “Ahhh I can’t” and immediately, before even ending the sentence, saying, “Yes I can, of course I can.” It’s all in what we feed ourselves. 

The questions of what’s next keep gently flowing in…my mostly calm and unknowing response continues to flow out…hiking in the Himalayas passes through every time…a whispering “default” option if nothing else becomes clear… 

Late night onsen’s underneath the waning full moon. Laughter and love with those around me. Breathless views and continued awe. Beer yummy nights playing Jenga with strangers at a bar and racing in the snow. Going to see a Japanese drummer in a small restaurant space. Watching his eyes, his mouth, his arms and lips. Thinking of how much practice goes into moments like these. Taking in the way he goes somewhere else when he plays. It’s almost as if he becomes so present he becomes lost to another world. I remember living with five Argentinian musicians in Bolivia, the jam sessions they’d have at night, the way they’d wrap their sore and bleeding fingers in tape and pound on, moving beyond the feeling of pain. I’d look at Jackie and smile. Be a witness. We’d watch their eyes and their soul go somewhere else, and yet be absolutely nowhere else but Here.

Skyping both sisters and loving them deeply. Skyping my niece and nephew and melting again and again. Understanding being In Love in an entirely new way. I am completely and helplessly in love with those two souls. 
Writing and thinking and breathing. Starting yoga and taking a nap instead. Doing dishes and folding laundry. Laughing, loving, praying. 

Onward. 

Always. 

Onward.